Recovery from an Extramarital Affair – A Look at the Process for the Injured Partner

Extramarital affairs create such intense pain that many people and couples question whether they can ever recover. This doubt is especially true when an affair is first discovered. In those early moments of discovering or being discovered it can be helpful to know that people do recover and not only survive but ultimately have experienced healing and growth that allows them to have stronger relationships.

One of the reasons recovery can feel so daunting is because it requires healing for three: the injured partner, the partner who participated in the affair, and the relationship. Each of these three has a different recovery process with its own timeline. In this article, we will look at the process for the injured partner, and in subsequent articles we will do the same for the participating partner and for the relationship.

The Injured Partner’s Experience – Trauma and Shattered Trust

For those of us in a relationship who discover that our partner is having or had an affair, the experience can be traumatic. The strength of our primary attachments from the time we’re born throughout our entire life span defines our sense of safety and well-being. An affair in our primary adult relationship can cause us to feel emotionally and physically as if our very survival is threatened. As injured partners we often experience the same reactions as other trauma victims, including flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, intense anxiety or panic attacks, trouble eating and sleeping, ruminating, difficulty in concentrating, and disrupted daily functioning as a result. Our emotions may feel like a swirling storm that likely includes rage, fear, hurt, sadness, grief, shame, and guilt. Different people manage intense emotional times differently. Some of us will act out and express our experience in extreme ways, while others of us will sink into depression and shut down, and others will vacillate between the two.

On discovering our partner’s affair, basic assumptions are shattered. These assumptions are not only about the rules of our relationship, but ultimately about how the world operates and about our emotional safety. We not only lose trust and the ability to feel safe with our partner, but we also lose trust in ourselves. We question our ability to rely on our judgments, our perceptions, and our choices to guide us in doing the right things that ensure care, well-being, and emotional safety.

The Injured Partner’s Recovery – A Challenging Road

Because the shock and trauma involved in most cases of discovering an affair are so intense and painful, addressing that part of the experience must be the first step in recovery. Many things can be helpful during this phase of recovery including establishing physical self-care around the basics of eating and sleeping. Exercise can be incredibly helpful as a way to manage anxiety and other intense emotions, and to help promote healthy eating and sleeping. Another thing that is helpful during this phase is having some tools, such as relaxation techniques, to handle the trauma reactions described above. Cultivating personal and social relationships is important so we don’t feel isolated, but it can be terribly challenging. We often are ashamed that an affair happened, or we know others already close to us will have their own strong reactions to news of an affair. This leaves us in a place where we have to deal with those scenarios or we have to find new support, and the energy required for either can feel like more than we have.

Another of the biggest challenges during this and subsequent phases is getting reassurance from our partner. Ideally, he or she will have ended the affair and want to be supportive of recovery, but this is not always the case. As injured partners we often have an pressing, recurring need to know details about where, how, and when the affair took place. If it is possible for the participating partner to understand and respond positively to this need, getting some details can help restore our balance and feeling grounded. Likewise, if it’s an option, regular reassurance from our partner that the affair has ended and there is no continuing contact with their affair partner, will facilitate this phase of recovery.

If our partner is not willing to help us create a framework that fosters healing and recovery, we need to establish that for ourselves. In general, strong boundaries will be of great value in establishing this framework. Boundaries to consider include:

• Requesting appropriate boundaries between your partner and their affair partner (e.g., no continued contact) or alternatively, good protective boundaries with your partner to prevent being retraumatized
• Eliminating secrecy between you and your partner promoting open disclosure to prevent feeling like there’s some unknown danger lurking
• Containing your emotional lashing out, which creates a climate in which your partner can give you what you need so you can risk trusting again

Once a rudimentary sense of safety has been restored, the next steps in recovery can proceed. This phase often involves managing the conflicting emotions associated with betrayal and lost trust. As mentioned earlier, for some of us learning to manage these emotions will require learning containment skills, such as setting appropriate boundaries, employing strategies to disengage emotionally, and developing tools for processing emotions. For others of us it will require learning self-expression skills, which might include self-esteem and boundary work, as well as learning what triggers our impulses to shut-down, and practicing healthy, assertive communication instead of withdrawing.

During this phase of recovery there is also a need to make sense of why the affair occurred. If a meaningful context for the affair can be established, it allows us to understand that we are not generally unsafe and that we have some influence and control over how at risk we will choose to put ourselves in the future. This context can be thought of as the factors that influenced or created a vulnerability for an affair to occur – what things were in place that allowed an affair to be considered and take root. Things to look at include external stressors impacting the relationship as well those impacting each of us as individuals, each partner’s past experiences, temperaments, and inclinations, and the relationship dynamics – how as a couple we react to and manage our conflicts, difficult times, and global issues.

The final phase in recovery for the injured partner follows from the recovery that has gone before. This phase, which allows us to move forward with living, is to regain trust – in ourselves and, if appropriate in our partner, or in future partners. During this time, there are elements of acceptance, if not forgiveness, of letting go and moving on, of self-improvement to feel safer, less vulnerable, stronger, and healthier, and of making choices about remaining in the relationship if that’s still a question. In addition to all that has gone before, it may be helpful to learn how to assess the viability of our relationship through understanding our own as well as our partner’s potential for change and commitment to continuing to work on the relationship.

If the recovery process is well supported, people do emerge stronger, wiser, and capable of healthier relationships. As you can no doubt hear from the above discussion, many of us need help with recovery because it can be incredibly challenging on many levels. It involves surviving and managing flooding emotions, making sense of the unthinkable, reconstructing life rules that can be depended on, healing deep emotional wounds, learning new skills, and coming to peace around injustices and insecurities. If you are facing recovery from an affair, and need some support, I am available to help.