How “Grown-up” Is Your Relationship?

Romantic relationships, much like people, have a developmental lifecycle.  We aren’t often aware of where our relationships are in terms of their developmental stages, but being aware can be extremely helpful in interpreting the shifts in dynamics that occur over time between us and our partner. 

In a sense it’s true that relationships have a life of their own.  Each developmental stage in the relationship has its own set of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and developmental tasks.  These relationship stages are analogous to childhood, adolescence, and adulthood in people’s developmental lifecycle.

The earliest, youngest stage of a relationship is an intensely romantic, passionate time.  In this stage we feel so deeply connected that we become emotionally merged.  During this stage, often called the honeymoon phase, we see our partners as being perfect and as completing us and saving us from experiencing old emotional wounds or pain.  Likewise they believe that we’re perfect and complete them.  What could feel better than being with someone who thinks we’re perfect in every way, especially if we haven’t received that kind of unconditional adoration at any other time in our lives!?

John Gottman, researcher and therapist who has studied couples for over 20 years, has found that couples who stay in touch with how they felt about each other during this honeymoon phase weather the inevitable relational storms better than couples who lose touch with their experience of this time.  I think of the developmental task of young, romantic love as cementing the relationship and establishing a foundation that will support the relationship across the years.

The second stage of relationships begins when we start to recognize that our partners are imperfect human beings and that they don’t complete us or protect us from being emotionally hurt.  In fact, they more often seem to target the very areas of emotional pain we expected them to save us from.  At the same time they start to recognize that we’re not perfect and seem to be irritated or angry with us about that. 

The disillusionment of this stage can be very painful.  It can be experienced as scary or as a betrayal or as a fall from grace.  Often anger, bitterness, and resentment rule during this time.  Couples can get stuck in this place or the relationship may not survive it at all.

However, if you think of this stage as the adolescence for the relationship it can put the painful dynamics into perspective.  Adolescence is a time to become a separate and independent individual.  For a relationship to be strong, healthy, and functional it needs to be supportive of two separate, individuated people.  When we give up significant parts of ourselves to the relationship, generally we suffer and as a result the relationship suffers.  Thus, although becoming unmerged can feel excruciating at times, it is an important step in the evolution of the relationship.

The third stage or adulthood in a relationship provides a structure that supports and nourishes 2 differentiated people.  This requires that we be committed to our own as well as our partner’s wholeness as individuals and that we be committed equally to the relationship.  This stage can feel challenging around finding balance among the three entities – 2 individuals and the relationship.  It also requires a maturity around being able to own and manage our own emotional insecurities and reactivity.  However, this phase is the most rewarding and is the time when we can be authentically connected while living with integrity to our true selves.

If you’re struggling through these developmental stages or would like to explore more around what’s going on in your relationship, I would love to help.  You can contact me at 720-363-5538.