Choosing Your Relationship

For many of us Valentine’s Day highlights whatever ambivalence or mixed feelings we have about our romantic relationship.  This is partially due to Valentine’s Day being an artificial construct that creates an unrealistic yardstick for all relationships.  Relationships have a developmental life that begins in intense romantic love but then grows into more mature love that recognizes and accepts our partner’s foibles as well as our own.  Relationships also have normal moment-to-moment and day-to-day cycles that move from closeness to distance, from harmony to conflict and back again.  Experiencing your relationship’s natural development and cycles doesn’t suggest that your relationship is flawed or unhealthy.
Being aware of and accepting the natural growth and ebb and flow of relationships may not be enough for you to feel wholly committed.  How then do you confidently choose your relationship without resentment or fear?  I think of 4 cornerstones to evaluate in choosing your relationship.

1. The first cornerstone is whether you’re accountable for your role in the relationship dynamic.  We all tend to think we’d be extremely happy if we could simply fix our partner’s issues, but have you looked honestly at your thinking, feelings, and behaviors that contribute to the problem areas in your relationship?  Have you taken steps to learn different ways of reacting.  This step enables you to make your choice in good conscience.

2. The second cornerstone is to evaluate what are the relationship positives and negatives.  Pia Mellody, therapist/author, suggests a very specific and concrete assessment where you write down all the good things you receive from the relationship.  To get a full picture add in all the negatives of the relationship and weight both the positives and negatives on a scale of 1 to 10.  This step allows you to make an informed decision, as well as to acknowledge the shadow side of the relationship.

3. The third cornerstone, suggested by therapist/author Terry Real, is to evaluate your partner’s accountability.  Like us, our partners have issues that contribute to the struggles in the relationship.  It’s helpful to understand to what degree your partner is capable of and likely to acknowledge their issues, and take steps that will enable them to react and behave differently.  This understanding takes “hope” out of the choice allowing you to choose with realistic expectations around whether life with your partner will change or stay the same.

4. The fourth cornerstone, also compliments of Terry Real, is to assess how difficult your partner is to be around.  If it’s too hurtful to spend time with your partner day in and out, the other considerations may not be powerful enough to compensate and vice versa.
Although it may feel terribly unromantic, considering these 4 cornerstones of your relationship will help you be clear on what your relationship means to you, and help you to relate to your partner and the relationship with constancy and integrity.  This clarity will ultimately enable you to keep your relationship energized and romantic.