How to Stay Connected (and keep passion alive)

All of us are born with the innate capacity and life-long need for deep connection with others. Our nervous systems are wired for attachment, which ensures our survival from birth. Across all cultures of the world the vast majority of people live their lives committed to a significant other. Given this innately human capacity and need, it might seem that having a strong, healthy connection with our partners would be a no-brainer – something that would occur naturally without any effort.

In fact, there is an element to relational connecting that is a no-brainer, however, it also takes some advanced abilities to co-create and keep a healthy connection that truly supports us and our partners. When we have this kind of mature connection, it not only meets our emotional needs and sustains us, but it also allows for passion to continue to flow long-term – something most everyone wants.

On a basic level I think of 2 domains where we need to be strong to have and maintain a healthy connection with our partner. I highlight maintain because I think of relationship connections as living entities that need to be fed and watered, loved and tended to really thrive.

The first domain can be thought of as Self Abilities and the second as Relational Abilities. Under Self abilities think in terms of knowing oneself and being able to manage emotional-reactivity. Knowing oneself is so important because if we don’t know who we are authentically, what we really desire, how we feel, or what our motivations are, how can we possibly show-up as an equal partner or be responsible and accountable for our part in co-creating a relationship?

Conceptually, knowing ourselves deeply may seem simple, as if it’s a given. In fact, I think for many of us it is a higher level ability. So many of us have grown-up in environments where others weren’t attuned to us and where it wasn’t encouraged or even safe for us to attune to ourselves. If that was the case, it can take some healing and development to come to know ourselves authentically.

The other Self ability I see as being required for healthy intimacy is not having extreme emotional reactivity. We experience our connection with our partners as being of primary importance to our survival and well-being. This experience may not happen on a conscious, thoughtful level, but on an instinctive level. If we experience the connection with our partner as being threatened or as being threatening to us, we can have extreme emotional reactions. These reactions can flood and overwhelm, they can shut us down, and they can hijack our ability to make good choices or to behave moderately. When this happens, we’re not able to be relational, i.e., able to make space for both our own and our partner’s needs/desires. Instead we’re operating from a me-against-you place. It becomes “my well-being or yours,” without room for both of us. If this is how we show-up in our relationship, it can take self-healing and self-development to move out of that type of reflexively-triggered, emotional reactivity.

Once we mostly know ourselves and are not easily, emotionally hijacked, the Relational abilities become critical. For relationships to function in a mutually supportive way (remember room for 2) both people need to show-up. We need to be able to share ourselves for a relationship to have a sound foundation. When we can share honestly and openly about our needs, desires, expectations, hurts and joys, then there is the possibility for needs to be voiced and met, there is the possibility to collaborate, there is the possibility for repair between us when hurting has occurred, there is the possibility to truly know one-another, and there can be true intimacy.

This sharing of ourselves and knowing the other, being known and knowing another is what keeps a relational connection alive. With such an alive connection we feel passionately toward our partner. Without it we become disconnected and distant, attachments wither, and our relationships are at risk for things like infidelity, living parallel lives, resentment and bitterness.

Such relational sharing too can be more challenging than it might first appear. It requires both safety and trust between partners, and each partner being okay with conflict. Differences and conflict are inherent in relationships. If we’re not comfortable with conflict, we may either try to avoid it or may believe we have to win and go on the attack.

Avoiding conflict may seem safe, but it in fact puts relationships at big risk. When we bury our differences or avoid conflict, we are no longer expressing ourselves, no longer sharing, no longer present in the relationship. Conversely, when we process our differences and conflicts from a must-win, me-against-you stance, there is attack rather than sharing. Connection is lost, replaced with being on the offense or on the defense. In either stance there is no intimacy because there is no connection.

There are many reasons why safety and trust can be lacking in a relationship and why partners may not be okay with differences and conflict. These reasons range from our past experiences to emotional wounding that has occurred within the relationship. Creating safety and trust, and developing Relational abilities may require relationship and/or personal healing and development.

The good news in all of this discussion is that the Self and Relational abilities I talk about can be developed and healing is possible. If you are interested in working on any of these areas, I would love to help.