Unexpressed Anger

Anger can be scary because it’s an energizing emotion.  When we think of someone acting out of anger, we often picture hurtful behavior that’s rageful or violent.  However, in its healthy form anger alerts us to unacceptable situations and energizes us to make changes. 

Anytime someone steps on our toes we have a valid reason to feel angry.  Stepping on toes can be all types of offenses including:

• Being spoken to disrespectfully
• Behavior or words that are inconsiderate of our feelings or beliefs
• An insult or slander
• A physical boundary violation such as being hugged without permission
• An emotional boundary violation such as having a commitment broken
• And of course physical or verbal abuse

It is also helpful to be clear about what isn’t legitimate anger.  It is not valid to feel angry because someone is different from us.  Being different can include:

• Having different beliefs
• Reacting to an experience with feelings that are different from what we experience
• Behaving differently in a situation than what we would like
• Looking different
• Having different perceptions and interpretations of what’s real or what really happened

In our culture, because we perceive anger as being dangerous, we’re not taught how to experience anger as a healthy emotion or how to behave in appropriate ways when we’re angry.  Rather we learn that being angry is unacceptable.  As a result we deny legitimate angry feelings and we may literally not know what’s an acceptable response to feeling angry.

There are three common types of responses that occur when we believe it’s not okay to express our anger.  

1. Anger gets directed outward toward others in inappropriate or exaggerated ways.  This can look like irritability, verbal attacks or even rageful, violent acting out.  This type of behavior reinforces the notion that feeling angry is bad or dangerous.
2. Anger is directed inward.  Directing anger inward can look like depression, inappropriate and exaggerated shame or guilt, or emotional numbing.  With this type of response it may be difficult to recognize anger as the primary emotion.
3. Anger is expressed outwardly but indirectly.  Indirect expression of anger has many familiar guises including passive-aggression, martyrdom, punishing withdrawal, and self-righteous or punishing acting out.  Anger may or may not be recognized as the primary emotion with this third response, but the true cause of the anger is definitely not explicit.

So, if feeling angry can be a legitimate, healthy response to certain situations, below are some guidelines for responding in an appropriate manner.

• Acknowledge that something valid has raised legitimate angry feelings.
• Know that your behavior doesn’t have to be hijacked by your anger.
• Use your anger as a flag that something unacceptable needs to be addressed.
• Use your anger to provide the energy and courage needed to request changes or that someone be accountable in a non-attacking way.
• Express your anger directly and request clearly what changes you would like to occur.
  For many of us experiencing anger and behaving appropriately takes learning and practice.

 

If you would like help learning not to be hijacked by your anger and how to express your anger directly and appropriately, please contact me.  I can be reached at 720-363-5538.